Dear Eric: I am really struggling with anger and heartbreak and need a little help.
A year ago, my husband took his own life. Four days before he passed, he told me that he had been having an affair with another man.
I had suspected there was something going on, and I had asked my husband. Until the end, he never gave me a straight answer. The affair had been off and on for years.
This affair partner is around all the time and basically accused me of having something to do with him taking his own life, among other things he accused me of.
My husband’s sons know absolutely nothing about this situation. This man presents himself as my husband’s best friend, and they have given him a place to live and a job.
Now, if I want to be around my stepsons, I have to tolerate him.
I want so badly to tell my stepsons the truth about him, but I don’t want to tarnish their memories of their dad.
The partner has told horrible stories about me and spread lies about our relationship. I am about to go nuts. What should I do?
– Maligned Widow
Dear Widow: I’m so sorry you have to deal with the shock and disorientation of the affair and the lies on top of the grief of surrounding your husband’s suicide. This is just awful.
No matter what was going on within your marriage, you didn’t cause this. You know the truth, no matter what the affair partner says.
This person seems very manipulative, perhaps dangerously so. It won’t serve you to get into a “he said/she said.” However, if you fear that he’s taking advantage of your stepsons, talk to them calmly and privately.
Tell them that the things the man has said about you aren’t true, that they concern you and, for the sake of your relationship with the stepsons, you want to clear the air. This may feel like taking the high road to a fault, but there is no lower road. This other person has made that road all muck.
Your stepsons are adults and can handle the truth, if they ask further questions. This person has ingratiated himself into their lives, too, so it’s not gossiping to speak with sensitivity. Indeed, I worry about how their grief processes are being disrupted by his presence.
But this isn’t your battle to fight. The less he’s involved in your life going forward, the better.
To that end, try inviting your stepsons over or out to a meal instead of visiting them. Find places where you don’t have to engage with this person just to keep in touch with your stepsons.
Dear Eric: I am a single woman in my early 60s who has become close with a couple.
They have four children, and their second oldest daughter (30) is an alcoholic and has a physically and verbally abusive on/off relationship with an alcoholic boyfriend.
She recently dropped the bomb on her parents that she’s pregnant and perhaps she should keep it as it may “give her purpose.”
At times, she accepts her parents’ loving help, but from what I can attest, she is mainly manipulative and plays the blame game.
Because I am an alcoholic (sober more than three years), I have been a resource for the parents as well as the daughter, trying to help them understand it is not their fault, as well as you can lead a horse to water, but the addict needs to want the change.
I felt good being able to provide some insight into an addict’s thinking, but with the new monkey wrench of pregnancy and the daughter’s fragile state of mind, I am at a loss as I am not a professional with credentials.
Do you have some resources which may be helpful for my friends? They are a wonderful husband/wife couple (married more than 33 years), and their daughter’s addiction and narcissistic behavior is taking a toll on their lives and affecting the other children as well. It’s heart-wrenching to watch/hear.
– Flummoxed
Dear Flummoxed: An Al-Anon meeting (al-anon.org) or a SMART Recovery family meeting (smartrecovery.org) are good first steps for your friends to learn tools for processing what’s happening and helping their loved one. You can also volunteer to go with them in the beginning, if you’d like.
Additionally, they should reach out to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration Hotline (samhsa.gov or 800-662-HELP) for in-depth resources. The hotline is available 24/7 and can point the parents to recovery resources, treatment options, counselors and more.
Lastly, continue to give your friend the gift of your presence and advice. There are other ways that they can get the help they need, but your experience, strength and hope, along with your friendship, will be invaluable as they navigate this challenge.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.
